When “all is well”, but there is no

Am I OK if I’m not OK?

When we seem serious, sad or otherwise unglued, people still occasionally ask “Is everything OK?”. It’s always heartwarming to know that despite sometimes feeling alone (it’s an okay feeling!), there are actually people who are there. Either by making their presence known, or by stepping away just in case – to give you space, or because they felt uncomfortable.

As authenticity is a very important value for me, I also share self-development topics on this blog. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, because different reasons trigger different things in different people, and the same thing may not be a challenge for you as it is for me, and vice versa. We all have those not-so-good days or minutes, some people have them for years.

People generally show a good or happy side of themselves, and those people who know me very well also know that I can always say that everything is fine, even when it’s not. We all know how to hide behind a mask of joy because it is socially expected and accepted.

People want to be with happy people and feel safe when others are doing well. That’s why we want to be happy ourselves, so that others want to be with us and we can get our basic needs met – to be loved, to be noticed and to belong. With a false veneer of joy, in a way, we manipulate others to meet our needs by attracting them to us.

But all that happens as a result is that we become more acutely aware that it was just a learned false mask of joy. Because we have not satisfied our own needs.Human beings have all emotions, all thoughts. This is perfectly normal and perfectly normal, despite the fact that we are taught from childhood not to think negative thoughts (let alone express them) and to compartmentalise feelings into good and bad (e.g. girls don’t get angry and boys don’t cry). We all think bad thoughts and we all think good thoughts. We all feel all emotions.

It’s rather abnormal if we don’t feel any emotion. Rather, we think we don’t feel it because we push it so deep inside us, and that eventually leads to the struggles of life, where everything seems to be in order in life, but inside it doesn’t feel great at all. Something is nagging me, but I don’t know what. It turns out that happiness is not what we thought it was.

Sometimes we even say that I am never angry, sad, scared. This is the first sign that all is not well. We are frightened by people who are angry, sad – because it makes us subconsciously ask ourselves, “How am I?”. But because we don’t allow ourselves emotions, they can’t come and tell us what we really need and how things are. This is the journey of getting to know yourself that so many avoid.

I think it’s very good if we allow ourselves to let all the emotions and thoughts come, be and go and share them with others to get a new perspective. Those who can take it are by your side, those who can’t are somewhere else. It distinguishes between love in terms of T and love in terms ofGA, which we offer to another only when it is temporally or emotionally comfortable, appropriate, safe for the provider. If we don’t allow things to come out of us, we become a machine that pretends to feel, because it is socially accepted to always be happy. Especially on social media, where people are happy, trips are beautiful, dogs are cute, flowers are beautiful, kids are good, a loving companion hugs, 20 kilos lost, the gym was great, the sun is shining, cocktails with friends are delicious and lunch was especially well served, the car is beautiful, etc. It is beautiful. I don’t want in any way to reduce their share. It’s part of life, and enjoying it is the most vibrant life.

But it often doesn’t do the viewer any good if there are no other perspectives, which is also a natural part of life. We start to compare ourselves and we are therefore less valuable to ourselves. Especially when we have to be part of ourselves in the shadows. Because how come other people always have it good, but I have these “bad” thoughts and emotions, why don’t others? Why are they fine all the time? And so the shadowing of those feelings begins and the cycle goes on. Behind all these beautiful pictures and stories, however, are always the same people who also have days when they don’t feel well. Where they are sad, angry, scared. But that’s not what we show. It’s all in the shadows. It’s all very well not being well and I dare to share it.

Feelings are in layers within us, and although it is like an ocean where you can’t clearly pick out one or the other, there is a kind of blurred transition between the layers. The first layer is this layer of socially learned pleasure. But the real layer of peace, joy, forgiveness and love is only several (5-6) layers below, and to reach it, the next layers have to be gone through, accepted by oneself and others. In therapy, it is said that true joy and love are only 6 layers below. That’s why I always say that love is not found, it is created. Self-love or love of another person, being.

You have to go through anger, sadness. Sometimes sadness comes first, then anger. Sometimes vice versa. Then we come to the next bit: shame and guilt. And that’s not all. Then comes a deep layer of fears. And it is only after looking beyond or failing to see the layer of fear that we reach peace and real joy. But life moves in a spiral and you can be in different places in different issues and the more you deal with yourself, the more very old and previously unknown soap layers will start to come up that you didn’t know existed, but which also need to be cleansed for clean water to come.

But because these anger, sadness, guilt, shame, fear are taught to be negative, there is a very high chance that we will give up halfway or push other people to give up and come back to the shallow layer of joy. But this is only temporary. In our culture, women do not allow themselves to be angry and men do not allow themselves to be sad. And since we are not allowing ourselves to feel that relatively shallow layer, there is not too much chance of getting to the next layers to finally reach that real peace and joy.

The entrenchment of layers of hatred is very visible to all of us in our daily social life. And the crazy, hoodlum-bellied people who have actually dared to go through this journey make us nervous. Jealous. We immediately rush to help people, trying to comfort the sad: “Don’t cry!”, “It’s all right!”, to make him happy again. But why? Because we don’t want to experience these emotions ourselves. Another emotion makes us anxious. We only notice in others what is repressed in ourselves. We only see in the mirror when we are in front of the mirror.

At one tea ceremony, there was one person in the group who cried non-stop for 2 hours. I glanced at the people next to him from time to time, and their anxiety and temptation to put a hand on my shoulder and ask if everything was okay. As a learning therapist, I know how important it is to let people (and yourself) work through your feelings. But in everyday life, we want to go out of our way to guide others away from that feeling, so that it comes back to the layers of false joy. No need. Let her be, let her deal with it herself, because only she knows what need she has unmet and what that emotion came to say. Pointing people to other people’s solutions is a pointless exercise if the person doesn’t (yet) want a solution. He has not yet let enough emotion in and let enough layers go for the need to emerge.

All the emotions are there inside us, just some of them are suppressed and hidden. They come to give you information that your needs are not being met and then you can make a decision about how you choose to behave with people, with situations. People and situations just ARE. You always have a choice. Always. If you can’t change the situation, you can change the attitude. Yes, I cry sometimes, yes I’m angry, I’m ashamed, but I’m also calm, happy and fun to be around. Everything is. Sometimes within the same day.

This is perfectly normal. Different people and situations evoke emotions. It is abnormal to be normal, that is, to be happy all the time. Man is not perfect. And one of the hardest things in life is accepting that perfection does not exist. Sometimes people need someone to ask if everything is OK and then it will actually be there. There’s no point sowing a seed if you’re not prepared to water and care for the plant afterwards. Listening allows talking. Through it, we hear ourselves and distinguish between the outer and inner world. You need a listener to talk. Whether it’s listening with a piece of paper and talking with a pen or talking-listening verbally with another person who listens and doesn’t offer solutions.

Picture from tarkvanem.ee