In one training session, a participant said the golden words: “Be specific in what you give out and fully open to what you receive.” He meant verbal communication and the ability to share information, but I’ll extend this to expressing emotions, using the example below.
A leader’s clarity in his messages may be very precise, but his body language, his attitude, may give people a different message. In another training group, one manager was found to be constantly telling his people that they don’t need to work overtime and overburden themselves with work at the expense of the family, and that just because he does this doesn’t mean he expects it of his team members. But he does see that people are troubled, even though they do not work overtime to a degree that would significantly affect them. And this leader is no exception, there are leaders like this in almost every group.
This particular manager was concerned that his team members were stressed, and he saw this affecting the quality and performance of their work. At the same training, the manager had repeatedly raised concerns about his own burnout, and his troubled state came through in his brave demeanour, smiling face and hearty disposition.
When he asked me during the break how it is possible to deal with stress in the team, despite the fact that he always stresses very clearly to the team that they don’t have to work overtime and the high expectations set for the department can all be done without overtime.
Since we had just talked some time ago about the team being the mirror of the leader, I was able to signal to him that perhaps the root of the problem lay within himself? Everything a leader sees in his team is a reflection of what is happening inside him, but what we don’t see inside ourselves. To do this, we need mirrors to see our spiritual nature – other people and the leader’s team.
As the manager himself was on the verge of burnout (again, this is just one example, but there are managers like this in every training group!), his stress levels were too high, his physical symptoms were indicative of emotions not being lived out, and this is exactly what his team reflected. He himself had held back a difficult conversation with his manager to say that the workload was too heavy and could not continue like this. He had held out bravely, at the expense of his family. Every time overload, delegation, etc. came up in the training, you could see the tears welling up in his eyes.
During the training, I could see a change in the attitude of this manager, it seemed to me that he got the courage to take on these difficult overload issues with his manager and he found some inner motivation to stand up for himself and start enjoying his job again. He realised that everything starts with him. I don’t change anybody’s attitudes, but it seems to me that telling him outright that maybe it was him was the beginning of a change of attitude within him.
As a leader, we can say whatever we want and be as precise as we can, but people have a sixth sense about what we are really like inside, and they are great at sensing what a leader is feeling without putting it into words and reflecting it back. There is also a scientific justification for this in the form of things like mirror neurons, spindle cells and oscillator cells for those who want to explore further.
Without going into neuroscience, the practical outcome is simple: if you as a leader are not in touch with your emotions, or even if you are but you don’t dare express them to the person (your leader for example) with whom they have come up, you will pass it all on to your team and, simply put, you will simply amplify your own emotions in the next people who are inevitably in a weaker and more vulnerable position.
The courage of a leader to express his/her emotions to his/her manager or to a professional partner (mentor, coach, therapist) is crucial! My mission is to be a mentor-therapist for leaders, so that we learn to deal more with what is happening inside ourselves. The changes I see happening in leadership, beyond finding and expressing my emotional intelligence, make my job the most intense job in the world.
Perhaps to return to the first quote in my talk, “Be specific in what you give out and fully open to what you receive”, this also applies to what goes on inside the leader. Be open to what comes up inside you, and also be honest about what you put out, without fear of others’ reactions. The more authentic we become, the less we worry about what others think of me. The genuineness of the leader and the development of his or her own emotional intelligence confirms how overrated is the impact of leaders on results, but how grossly underrated is the impact of leaders on people.
