Think how many unnecessary conflicts would be avoided if we could ask one simple question: “Do you want a solution or do you want to be heard?”. or simply start with the assumption that a hearing is wanted. You will be notified when solutions are needed.
Very often, however, we do not do this and assume that solutions are wanted. This is especially true for men who think it’s their job to solve everything. Of course, in organisations where a masculine achievement mentality still prevails, many women have also learned this solution-oriented form of communication.
Offering solutions is necessary (when asked for!), but regardless of our gender, we often tend to abuse it.
The biggest advantage of listening is that it allows you to talk. When we speak, we hear ourselves, and our own hearing has more value than we know.
We perceive much more than we can think. We think much more than we can say. But what we say is a summary of our perceptions and thoughts for ourselves – an authentic or distorted mirror. But a selfie mirror is needed to see.
Jaan Kaplinski writes in his book “To the Father”: “In order to communicate in language, through words, we have to “translate” a large part of our experience into words, which is sometimes very difficult, sometimes almost impossible. When formulated and transmitted in this way, the experience is altered, impoverished, deformed. Language gives us the “translation” of reality, not reality itself. So language is not a tool for thinking, it is a tool for communication.”
Perhaps if you allow speaking through listening, you also allow the perception of what is being translated and insights into the actual perception and how to move towards a solution by trusting your gut. By talking, we can get closer to the answers within and learn to trust it.
Being there as a listener is often more valuable than offering your solutions to another person. Just as the speaker may not know the full meaning of what he or she is saying, you, as a conversation partner, certainly don’t.
Rather, the assumption that you are not suggesting a solution, but simply listening, comes in handy.
