In my trainings, leaders are often surprised to learn that praise is not a good technique for leadership or for any kind of relationship with adults or children. After all, we are used to a lifetime of praise and seeking external recognition. How else? I was reminded of this theme again at the Song and Dance Festival at the weekend, where I heard such lines repeatedly: “You were such a good boy!”, “Good girls!”, “Good!”.
Praise is just as much a communication barrier as criticism. In both cases, it is a matter of judgement, i.e. putting oneself in the position of parent/teacher and thus automatically putting another person in a lower position.
Praise is, in its very nature, judging others according to your expectations. But people do not exist to meet each other’s expectations.
Praise and criticism refers to a hierarchical or vertical communication situation. If we want cooperation, accountability and flat organisation, then cooperation will still be at the same level, horizontally between two adults, and praise will work against the original goal. The praiser is vertically superior, and this has a negative effect on our relationship.
There is nothing wrong with giving an assessment. It helps you to set boundaries, to feel what you like and to make your choices accordingly. But judgement is linked to a (subconscious) desire to control the other and “call them to order”, to be “normal” or to belittle them, because they can never be your norm.
Rather than praise, I suggest you focus your talk on gratitude. Gratitude puts people in the same position through sincere respect, caring, vulnerability and respect. For example:
“It helped me a lot. Thank you!”
“It makes my heart glad!”
“Thank you, thanks to you I got it done much faster.”
“It touched me, it went into my soul!”
“I’m proud of you!”
Gratitude is an expression of something where another person has helped me to grow better, to achieve what I have wanted within myself. Non-judgmental, neutral, emotive and sincere. From the level of ‘I’, without making judgements about the other person by labelling them: ‘You are…’.
Praise is a level of thinking, gratitude is recognition through feeling, which is more empathically understood and people relate to each other on a human level, which in turn sets the stage for deeper committed collaboration. Feelings are universal and we all feel them, regardless of nationality, gender, age, etc. People forget what you said, they forget what you did, but they don’t forget how you made them feel.
So stop praising, understand what you want, and notice through the expression of gratitude how the other person has helped you to grow towards what you want without you knowing it. Praise diminishes the other person, gratitude lifts you both.
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