They take place at the level of the child and the parent. Not consciously, but subconsciously, so there is no need to look for blame here. It is an unconscious behaviour which, when it becomes visible, often causes serious and thoughtful looks on the faces of the leaders, but also, later on, a laugh of relief.
In particular, the manager may start to take on the role of “good father” or “caring mother”. Sometimes the manager’s vocabulary includes the phrase “like a kindergarten!” etc., which suggest that things are not quite right.
Similarly, a team member may look to a leader for justice, love or recognition that he or she never received from his or her parents. This is a very unconscious and at first glance, mostly defensive response of “I don’t have it”. However, it quickly becomes apparent in the use of language and body language. This is particularly common in leadership teams with commitment, accountability and delegation issues.
And this happens unnoticed. Sometimes the driver becomes a child. A single “innocent” question, e.g. from the leader himself, can trigger a deeper fear of abandonment, or, to put it simply in therapist language: a soul wound. A single modest criticism can touch an inner child wound that has long predated the organisation.
Leadership is not in the strategy, but in the subconscious. That’s why sometimes the best tools, models and even goodwill and ‘solution-focused’ and action-oriented tools don’t help. There is nothing to be done about action in such situations.
It only helps to have the awareness and the courage and the ability to notice: whose needs am I really meeting here – mine as a child, mine as a parent, mine as an adult?
Am I supporting my team as a mature adult or rescuing someone from childhood?
When a leader sees that they are not dealing with a “difficult employee” but with an internally wounded child, they can begin to lead in a much deeper way – not through control, but through presence.
And when the employee sees that his/her manager is not a father or mother figure, but just a human being, he/she can start to take responsibility for himself/herself, without expecting anyone to “rescue” or “help” him/her.
This is not a soft issue. It is one of the biggest invisible influences in the management culture, which also prevents organisations from reaching new levels of performance. We think we come together as adults to do business, but many of the communication problems in the organisation show that, subconsciously, we still come together to play child-parent games.
But it is possible to get out of it – to have the courage to go deep. If you feel that the current methods are not helping and are only alleviating the problem superficially, get in touch and we’ll either do a 1-1 job or work with the management team as a whole. Life shows that the willingness to go deep brings lofty goals and results.
