It is surprising how few managers have regular one-to-one (1-1) conversations with their team members. I don’t call it a 1-1 conversation when you sit in the same room with an employee and “talk every day anyway” or call to talk about a specific job. Nor do I have in mind an annual review or a quarterly performance review. A 1-1 conversation is a regular, uninterrupted, private time dedicated to an employee and a manager, whose main purpose is to understand mutual commitment, inspiration, clarity of direction, but above all simply to reinforce human contact, to have each other’s backs in crisis situations and to support each other and the organisation’s dreams in everyday life.
A 1-1 conversation is a time dedicated to each other where there are no mixers. Based on brain researchers and my own experience of nearly a thousand 1-1 conversations, you can talk about substantive value if the conversation lasts at least 30 minutes and is regular at least once every two weeks. The minute principle is based on the speed at which the emotional part of the brain processes information. Namely, if there is a topic in the conversation that is not initiated by the person (generally there is always some such topic in the conversation for both parties), the emotional part is only triggered in the eighteenth minute. This is something many people will have noticed at a job interview, training or meeting, where it takes a while to get on the waves. Of course, for a very trustworthy and acute topic, getting into the topic may be faster. The two-week interval is also a result of the brain not keeping the subject in emotional memory for more than 2 weeks, as this overloads the brain and uses up energy unnecessarily. You will need to reconnect to the topic later, which takes time and resources.
My recommendation is to book your appointments regularly in the calendar. Even if, as a manager, you think you’re following up and book an interview at the right time, or ask an employee to make time for an interview now. There are some in the workforce who need a solid knowledge base. This makes it easier for you to prepare for the conversation and for you to get your mind ready. Unless you are a very experienced calendar user, it is important that both parties know the date and time of at least the next conversation.
1-1 conversation is the best time management technique
However, scheduled 1-1 meetings are one of the most effective ways of tackling the time management problem. For most people, unexpected in-betweens are the biggest challenge in time management. Time, as you know, cannot be controlled, it goes on as it goes on, but it is possible to control your actions. So unscheduled unexpected firefighting, answering questions, etc. can be successfully turned into scheduled ones if you have 1-1 chats with people.
Through them, you increase people’s sense of personal responsibility (it’s not in vain to say that 1-1 chats are training) to put out fires themselves; through 1-1 chats, you reduce the number of unexpected questions, because people generally want to ask out of convenience. But in the same way, you can also write down these questions and topics for the next 1-1 conversation and address them then. And in general, this is a training exercise where the person has already found the answer to the question and the problem has been solved. This way, you’ll significantly reduce the number of day-to-day tasks on your desk that you would otherwise needlessly turn to each other for. If it can wait until the next one-on-one time, there is no point in tearing each other away from the topic that needs to be explored in depth. It takes time to get on and off each topic, and then we feel like we’ve filled our days with things to do, but nothing got done. Couldn’t get it done, as most of the day was spent switching on and off.
It’s always worth aiming for a conversation (max 3 topics!), although it’s also good to be flexible sometimes and let the goal go without losing focus. However, this should only be done in exceptional cases where it is apparent that the focus cannot be maintained because, for example, there is some emotional block in the person. For example, you might talk about meeting sales targets, but if you have just lost a pet or taken your mother to hospital, you will most likely need to talk about it, simply to clear your system of trapped emotions and then move on. It is not possible to receive new information unless a gap is created.
Suggestions from my practice on the physical environment of the conversation
- In a physical meeting, don’t use a computer as it breaks up the space between you. A paper sticker is the best.
- Turn off all other programs (especially e-mail, chats, etc.) when meeting online.
- Rather, avoid a 1-1 conversation and a lunch meeting. The questioner is full, the answerer is cold. It’s just rude.
- If possible, sit on the same side of the table when meeting physically (a table, especially a square one, breaks up the energy between you). If you have the feeling that you don’t want to sit on the same side of the table, ask why you feel uncomfortable and unsafe. This may be an important message about the weakness of the trust relationship between the two sides
- Don’t answer or respond to a phone call, or by glancing at your vibrating wristwatch – this always sends the message that something else is more important than you. Better put all those gadgets in your pocket. You’re not so indispensable that I couldn’t manage this hour without you. You can test your indispensability: put your finger in the water and when you take it out, see if there’s a hole in it 🙂 If there is, always keep your phone close.
- Mirror body language (except in closed poses, when use the opposite: open poses) to create a better connection (to trigger mirror neurons in the brain).
The best conversational tactic is mirroring. Mirroring exactly the human formulation. Don’t try to rephrase. Reflecting in exactly the same wording requires presence and listening very carefully. This helps the other party to understand that you see them and are present with them in the here and now, and that you are not formulating a response while they are listening, but really listening. Reflective listening is a way of helping where the person in need helps themselves. People do not need solutions, they need understanding, and they guide themselves towards the help and solutions they need. If you reflect back what the person has said, they can pick and choose what they pay attention to. Listening allows you to talk, talking allows you to make your own mind clear. The lack of listening skills at work and at home is something that deserves special attention.
It’s also a good idea to agree whether you want a solution or a hearing. If you offer solutions or your own stories on the same topic, but they are not welcome, you create conflict. If a solution is expected, but you are a listening or questioning coach, this can lead to eroding trust.
It is important to take breaks here. People think faster than they formulate sentences. If a pause seems strange and long to you, in reality there is a lot going on in a person’s head and something valuable can come out of pauses. A new direction or insight can come along, which is more valuable than filling an uncomfortable pause in a hurry. The break can be as long as 5 minutes in a row. The issue will evolve.
Often, 1-1 conversation starters struggle with how to get people to talk. The how-it-goes question mostly doesn’t work. I’ve collected the best sentences from my own practice here:
- What’s hard and what’s fun? (best question, works in 100% of cases)
- What is important to you now?
- What worked?
- What was not so well?
- What is your main objective for this topic?
- How do you know you’ve succeeded?
- What is your will now 1-10? (for each number, you can justify-explain, look at what you can do to change it or keep it, etc.)
- How can I help you?
Sometimes the problem is too much talk. If a person talks a lot and tells you off, there is a defence mechanism behind it, to talk for a full time in each case, so that uncomfortable topics do not come to the table. People’s verbal creativity to colourfully describe different things they don’t like (or like very much) develops particularly strongly when they need to hide problems either within themselves or in a work situation. Listen, but feel free to interrupt.
At the end of the conversation, it’s always worth asking and formulating your own answer to the question “What was the most valuable thing for you today?”. If agreements have been made, it is worth rewording them, as you should not expect the same understanding from each other.
1-1 conversations are very often motivated by the fear of not being sufficient and valuable for the employee/manager. This is another topic to look into in more depth in the future, alongside the development of listening skills.
