Time and again, the question comes up with managers: does the past (childhood, more specifically) really influence management? Perhaps digging into the past should be left aside?
I very much agree that at some point it will no longer be necessary! BUT…
… sometimes it is necessary to work through the issues of the past, so that the present can be based on the situation of the moment, rather than the subconscious being based on an unmet need from the past. Consciously, we can decide things, but if things are not worked through, or the past still lives unconsciously in me, that unconscious part will control you. That’s just the way we work, unfortunately. A manager could manage his subconscious part himself.
Here are some examples of unresolved childhood “traumas” that can lead to harmful behaviours at work:
– Perfectionism and an excessive need for control can lead to a lack of recognition as a child, and as a result, a leader may feel a constant need to prove his or her worth. For example, pushing a team just to get recognition from their own leader (e.g. through career, words, money), rather than to be good for the team or the client in the first place.
– Conflict avoidance or excessive intimacy-seeking with a worker can lead back to the emotional or physical abandonment experienced as a child, to fear of loneliness. Conflict, however, is essential for management. Setting clear boundaries between intimacy vs professionalism is crucial in the workplace. Ignoring them will lead to unnecessary time-consuming problems.
– The desire to constantly outdo someone else or the inability to notice other people’s achievements can lead back to the childhood experience of constantly being compared to someone else. Comparison can move us forward, but it can also shift the focus too much from ourselves to others, can lead to belittling the competition (including in-house partners).
– An authoritarian style or inability to delegate can lead to a situation where as a child you experienced a lack of control over your life (physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually/spiritually).
– Setting unrealistic standards and demanding more and more commitment and loyalty from employees can refer to a child who was only loved if he fulfilled the parents’ strict expectations.
The behaviours in these examples are also a strength of the person, but they can also become a burden on their own mental or physical health and that of others.
Please don’t take these examples as direct diagnoses, as there may be other causes. But perhaps they show how important it is for a leader to deal with what is going on inside him or herself – the wounded parts of himself or herself.
Spotting the harmful pattern is the first step, then we can work with them through therapy so that adults are at work with each other, rather than meeting neglected internally wounded children whose job it is not to do the work. As long as a need (including our own as a child) is unmet, we unconsciously work towards meeting it.
