We want to belong, to be noticed, to be loved. We like to be with people who are happy. That’s why we try to be happy ourselves, so that others want to be part of our lives, and thus satisfy our need to belong.
This will, however, creates a false sense of joy, where everything is pretended to be fine in front of the authorities. We learned this system as children from parents who didn’t want to fight in front of us and when the child asked what was wrong, we got it all wrong. We all know those families where “we don’t fight in front of the children”, or where they pretend that there is no tension.
Then we wonder why our children can’t cope with real life when they grow up, either at home or at work. Leaders get immature people on their team who can’t stand up for themselves, or can’t stand up for themselves, and act in apparent harmony but in reality don’t commit. Hiding these tensions “produces” people in society who think their feelings are lying to them and they have to pretend that all is well, when in fact there is a tension inside and no real action is being taken towards the goal. It’s easier to leave in a hurry – from a job, a relationship, etc. However, without vulnerability and a level of conflict, there is no way to achieve commitment. Normalising this is the mission of this article and the mission of my daily work – everything is ok and normal!
We live most of our lives in fake joy, and do everything we can to make other people happy again. However, finding real joy and peace is a much longer journey. If we are fake happy (we often think we are), but from time to time we feel inside that something is not right, but we can’t explain why, then anger and/or sadness starts to roll in. Depending on the person, the journey to real joy begins through anger or sadness – anger before sadness or vice versa. The inner cringe shows that joy is not (any more) “real”.
Fake joy is the 1st level, followed by anger, sadness, shame, guilt, fear, and only then real joy. All these emotions may not be in exactly the same order, but the real joy comes when all the layers have been covered. You can’t get to the real joy without going through the fear.
Because our desire is to be happy ourselves and we have mastered this superficial layer of joy, we become afraid of other people’s anger or sadness because it subconsciously reminds us that we have not acknowledged this layer and so we do not know how to deal with it and take it as normal. Let’s start saying sentences like I’m never angry or never sad. This is the problem, and shows that fake news has taken hold.
If someone lets go of the layer of fake joy (the greatest fear of many leaders: a crying subordinate), then my joy is also at risk, and so the risk of not being liked by others, the risk of being thrown out of the system. Let’s start using the phrase “Don’t cry”. or “Men don’t cry”, “It’s not nice for women to be angry!”. etc. In this situation, however, we are not thinking about the other person, but always about our own relationship with them (this is called the shadow of the sacrificial and overprotective helper). Relationships are always a reflection of what is going on inside ourselves.
We do not generally express anger or sadness directly towards authority. Rather, we curse behind our backs. But most of the problems between people arise from people not talking to each other, but talking about each other.
As a third and fourth layer, after going through the sadness or anger, come shame and guilt. In one case, we feel we have done something wrong (overstepped our boundaries with ourselves or with other people), we accept the blame, we apologise.
Then we come to the layers of fear. Fear of not being able to do the job, in turn, gives rise to a strong urge to go back to the first layer, the false joy layer. Pretend I can manage. Tell yourself that it’s a busy time and it will get better soon. I’ll learn and I won’t complain that I can’t manage. Because not doing so can mean being thrown out of the community I belong to. If I am thrown out, I lose my income. If I lose my income, what will my partner, friends, parents, relatives, colleagues think? Will I also lose my home? But what will become of me? How can I be a role model for my children? So who am I anyway?
But maybe you are setting an example by doing what you really enjoy doing in this phase of your life. Falling through the layer of fear is the final hurdle. But these are the gates of hell. But, as you can see from the picture in this post, in order to grow to the heights, the roots have to reach out into hell.
Unfortunately, our bodies cannot tell whether a fear is really physical or imagined. Fear’s job is to keep us physically alive and aware of danger. But when we are driving upwards, we are not generally threatened by physical danger, but we invent the danger in our heads. Behind all our suffering are the stories in our heads that we make up from our past patterns.
Our true power, peace, well-being, love, joy, pleasure, relaxation and happiness is only at the 7th level, it comes after the level of fear, which was the 6th level. But we can only get out of fear when we make fear work for us. We look at this fear and we ‘fall through it’. Maybe we are going to do something we are afraid of. The brave are not those who fear nothing, but those who face dangers and fears and do what they fear and learn, experience.
To move from the comfort zone to the learning zone and from there to the growth zone requires moving through the fear zone. In comfort, we feel safe and in control and try to keep it that way (falsely). In the fear zone, we lack self-confidence, find excuses not to do something and are strongly influenced by the opinions of others. In the Learning Zone, we learn new skills while facing challenges. We grow by overcoming obstacles, setting new goals and finding purpose in living our lives towards our goals and dreams. But to do this, you just have to trust yourself to get through your fear.
It’s good to know that it’s normal and that it’s nothing unusual! If you need support to navigate this unknown 7-step journey, you can find help from me or someone else. The key is to set out on the journey, though, and find a teacher when the student is ready and needs one.
