Many of you will have read Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Languages of Love”. The book is written in the context of intimate relationships, to help partners understand each other’s language of love, and then to monitor their own use of language in order to maintain and (re)develop the relationship. Or, if the languages are very different, to realise that communicating in a foreign language still does not allow you to truly express yourself, and that it is better to live somewhere else in a similar language space. Of course, it is not the use of oral language that is in mind, but the 5 languages of love: the language of words, of quality, of gifts, of service or of physical touch.
It got me thinking some time ago about the fact that why is it that we learn to use the language of love towards another person, but we don’t learn to use it towards the most important person, ourselves? I, for one, had never thought of it in that way, and always expected someone else to offer it to me, because it’s a family pattern that my belief system is subconsciously formed around. But it is impossible to truly love a person who does not love himself, because there will always remain reproaches and dissatisfaction, because there will always remain a search for what cannot be found in oneself.
Just as in the order of priorities in relationships you have to put yourself first, then your relationship, then your child(ren) third, then everyone else, knowing the language of self-love and showing it to yourself is where it all begins. Interesting that Chapman doesn’t mention this at all in his book.
At the end of the book there is also a simple test to identify your love language, but I think everyone will recognise it themselves and you can find plenty of information and tests by googling.
Christmas could be a great time to talk about your love languages in the family and offer them to each other, but especially to yourself and ask your companions to observe if you are speaking your own love language to yourself.
Receiving and giving gifts is just one of the five languages of love and since for me, for example, it is not at all one of the first, I take gifts as gestures to think about that person, perhaps it goes along with the language of attention and noticing that I value most. Khmkhm, I don’t know why I’m a trainer.
My languages are words and the physical, but my greatest foreign languages are gifts and the language of service. Have not the close relationships also shown that if the language use or loving behaviour is still very different, then it requires a wild effort and if you are still in a fragile state in terms of contact with yourself, it does not predict a long-term relationship full of happy harmony that will last forever, because you simply do not have the inner resources to learn someone else’s language if you do not understand yourself.
But in a nutshell, 5 love languages. Maybe it will also help you to think about what your language is and offer it to yourself, not expect it from others. It is of course good to share this with others (especially your partner), so that they know what language you are speaking and if they are willing to learn your language, you can help each other with language learning (NB: without reproaching, insulting, blaming – just as a language teacher does not do in a language class).
But if you are able to offer your own loving behaviour, you will be able to receive it from others and learn the language of others, because you have the resource (inner love for yourself).
1. Words – verbal compliments, remarks, encouragement, saying “I love you”, complimenting others, clearly expressing appreciation of strengths, thanking for contributions.
2. Quality time – enjoying activities, getting involved, sharing, even verbally, in photos, sharing the day with each other, a nice weekend at the spa, screen time, listening to each other and at heart level, discussing, dreaming together. In the case of oneself, then, allowing it all to oneself.
3. Gifts – even small token gifts (a flower from the garden) or something bigger, a good idea is to keep a gift idea diary or always give something at the end of the week for a nice week.
4. The art of service – help someone or something from your partner’s (self’s) favourites: parents, relatives, pet, organising an event, etc; do some practical thing at home, let them focus their time (e.g. watching a TV series) and do things that might be distracting.
5. Physical touch – walking hand in hand with partners, massages, cuddles, petting, grooming, petting. And sex is not the only thing that is meant here, it goes with all languages.
What is your love language and makes you feel loved by your partner? But how do you offer it to yourself?
- If your language is the language of words, do you notice and give yourself verbal compliments by writing them down in your diary at the end of the day, thanking or acknowledging yourself for what today?
- If your language is quality time, do you allow yourself quality time where you don’t feel guilty for not doing something? – Do you give yourself gifts when your loving behaviour is gifts?
- As a servant speaker, do you serve yourself so that you can feel extra good afterwards when it’s all done and feel satisfied?
- Do you stroke yourself, give yourself a massage or love to pamper your physical body?
Chapman writes in his book about actions you can take to deal with a relationship that is difficult, but in my experience, relationships are difficult when people are having a hard time coping with themselves, so first ask yourself if you can be a better companion to yourself. Fulfill your inner desire with all your soul.
Then things will start to change, and you’ll be able to offer others the language they need, whether it’s a partner, friends, colleagues or relatives. It always starts with yourself, and if you haven’t spoken the language of love to yourself for decades, it can take years to learn. But just as 20 years ago was the best time to plant a tree, today is the second best time.
