For years, my Friday evenings seemed pointless and wasted if I didn’t go “out”. Drinking out and looking for company. But you couldn’t stay home on a Friday night! It was no problem to finish several bottles of beer and a pack or two of smokes during the evening. I was proud of that. Sure, it was nice to spend time with friends, but I never felt good with myself at heart. I always wanted to go somewhere and to the next place. Unknown where, but still onwards. It would be even scarier just to be at home or to go back home. Somewhere there must be something that is even hotter, or somewhere there is even hotter company.
At some point I felt I didn’t want to anymore. Every night out brought a greater sense of frustration, not to mention the physical pain of poisoning yourself. I haven’t smoked for about 5 years, drunk alcohol for over a year. I no longer need to separate my mind from myself, but to be in touch with myself. What hasn’t been for decades. I realised it was all one big escape for me in search of fun.
I have come to understand that only when you have managed to get in touch with “me” and not run away from yourself and seek meaning for life outside yourself, is it possible to reach “us”. Esoteric is a focus on the inner, exoteric on the outer.
Last Friday night was a perfect example of how 2 hours of quietly drinking tea in company can bring you closer to real life than years of shouting over each other in a noisy bar could for me. But that part of the journey was also necessary and gave me what I valued at that moment.
