As a trainer, I am constantly in contact with a lot of new people and that means there is a lot of getting to know you (who you are, what’s important to you, etc.). There is one worrying issue, which from personal experience I think is more of a threat, and which Nekrasov has written quite a lot about. This topic is about excessive love for one’s children, by mothers in general – excessive maternal love.
I will warn mothers right now that this post may go against some of your existing values, but I will talk about the consequences with the support of my personal experience and based on the very well articulated approach of Nekrasov.
When I wrote a review of her life for my mother’s funeral 5 years ago, and interacted with many people in the process, I felt joy and happiness that for her, the most important value in life was me. What could be wrong with that? After all, we are used to thinking that for a mother, her child(ren) are the greatest value and meaning of life. It’s not uncommon to hear from new parents that “now my life makes sense.”
But isn’t it sad when life only becomes meaningful when someone else comes into your life…? a child, a partner, a better boss, etc.? So where is the meaning of YOUR life? In the holistic worldview, however, sterility is often related to the fact that there is an unresolved issue of self-love, and you will not give another soul the opportunity to create an environment for its development until you have resolved the issue yourself. Sometimes a (new) partner doesn’t even come into view until you have learned to enjoy being alone, with yourself and to love yourself truly. No strings attached.
If a parent sees a child as the meaning of his life, it is an injustice to the child, and the child takes up the life of the parent. All those dreams that are lived out through children (including the dream of being cared for, the “man of the house” dream). Very often, in our culture, it is associated with mothers. But of course not necessarily.
No one can ever be more valuable than yourself, then in the hierarchy of values, close relationships, home and only then the child(ren). A child is born into this world to carry out its mission. To do this, he needs a role model, a role model to value himself, to value relationships, to value home. If he does not know how to value them and is psychologically conquered by his mother (in the therapists’ vocabulary, these children are “psychologically unborn”), he will not learn to create and nurture himself, his close relationships, and the home will only become an object to show to others, so that others will affirm your worth, if only through a beautiful home. It worked for me, and when I read Nekrasov’s “Eternal Love”, the pieces of the puzzle of that period of my life fell into place.
I’ve only just learned to value myself (I’m 38 years old!), I’ve done things and behaved in a childish (psychologically unborn) way in close relationships, taking care of my home has been a substitute for taking care of myself, and it’s been nice to hear from all my guests how beautiful my home is. I immediately felt more valuable. It is only now that I understand that home is MY security. Not to mention being good at work and all those other layers of achievement that the ego loves so much 🙂
Do you know that these men generally drink/drug more, run around, fight with others (physically or mentally, even to the point of war), and have been the number 1 value in their mother’s home. Often, these children are also in the role/position of the husband mentally for the mother. But of course you can get out of it. It all starts with awareness, forgiveness, gratitude… But back to the point…
And so the pattern continues: the woman becomes a mother after the birth of the child and is no longer a wife to her partner. The partner wants a man/woman, not a mother/wife. But if we’re at home all the time as daddy or mummy, then I’m not attractive to my partner. Mentally, sexually. He’s going to run away somewhere else – to a bottle, to a fight in the round or to a brawl somewhere on a national or bar level. Another psychologically unborn person grows up.
There is a lot of unrealised potential in society because children have been too high up in the parental value chain and have not been able to realise their own potential. They have not been given the environment to realise their potential, but have lived their lives or been made to live the life of a parent. And it makes you angry. And it makes society angry, because there are a lot of angry people in society with unrealised potential.
Children have not been able to become independent, to learn to love themselves and to have functioning relationships. One example is myself. It still took a lot of time to put the values in the right place in my life, but if I didn’t have that experience, I wouldn’t be able to support others in that respect (after all, it’s nice for a future therapist to have experienced some things for himself, not just read about them in a book). So I am very grateful to my mother, and I did choose the family system I was born into, if you believe in the approach that the soul chooses its own system, where it goes based on its own need to learn.
You can’t teach someone else something you haven’t mastered yourself. If you have not learned to love yourself and to share love with your partner, there is no place for a child to learn. And we get people who do not value themselves. Vicious, vicious, clingy. Just like me a few years ago. If this comes as a surprise to some, I was good at hiding it. I understood that this was not right. But there was nothing he could do about it except suppress it. A “good child” after all.
But it’s never too late to change this approach. My own mother is a perfect example. When at some point, at the age of 27 (sic!), when he wanted me to move back home to take care of him, I said to him, “I’m not going to miss out on my life because you’re sick!”, things started moving. The insult was huge, but the insult is nothing more than a decision to be a victim. The victim cannot be helped, he or she has to want to get out of there at some point. This victim issue went on for a few years (accusations that I didn’t call often enough, etc.), but I stubbornly continued to separate myself from him because I realized there was more inside me. And inside him is the hiding place to start living his own life. So far, I’m triggered by overprotective mummy figures 🙂 There must be an issue that needs to be resolved… Fortunately, the learning therapist is not allowed to work very deeply with clients until after 4 years of reviewing and healing all the nooks and crannies and rock bottoms of oneself.
2 days before she died, my mother said, “I was just starting to enjoy my life. I finally like the life I’m living. I’d like to experience it more. Why now?” Yep, it was his soul’s journey to learn to be independent and let go. With this lesson learned, it was time to move on to the next lesson or …… (I thought long and hard about quoting this next paragraph, but since my path may be an inspiration to others, I decided to share)….
“After the husband has left the family, the mother usually becomes even more attached to the child, focusing all her energy on him. This increases the child’s problems. The mother may want the child to be in her sphere of influence all the time and tries to keep up with his personal life. […] If the son is able to overcome his mother’s frustration, develops his qualities, opens up to love and finds a beloved companion, but the mother does not change her maternal attitude, does not release her adult son, then the mother may also have problems. If the mother begins to interfere with the unfolding of the children’s personalities, she may be removed from their lives. Often this happens through serious illness. Sometimes they are rescued by doctors, without the cause being eliminated […] A sick mother requires even more care, thus increasing the problems in the children’s family.”
A.Nekrassov “Love of the Mother”
It was horrible to read. Because I’m extremely grateful to my mother, because without her I wouldn’t have my life, and it would be nice if she were still alive. His life his life and mine my life. From time to time, we would chat about life and be two equal adults, like I am with my father today. There’s a separate story to come on this dad thing…
Perhaps to summarize my own experience, which reminded me of Nekrasov’s “Love of the Mother”: your value space is directly related to who you love most in life. If it’s not you, who is supposed to love you? You can’t expect others to do what you don’t do yourself. Without freedom, there is no true love, and without love, there is no freedom.
PS! My mother did everything to the best of her knowledge and I have no complaints against her. Never blame your parents for anything, because all parents are the best at exactly every moment. The best at what they do based on their knowledge and their own childhood experiences. If you blame yourself or others for something you didn’t know before, you are giving energy to the wrong place and reducing your own life energy. Your parents gave you the biggest thing you could ever want – your life. A chance to incarnate. For that, there can only be profound gratitude, and I have it towards my parents. Mum. Isa. In front of both.
